Saying Goodbye

This weekend we say Goodbye to my husband's Aunt, Louise. Unfortunately we are not going to be there physically, we just came back from her home town, which is about a 10 hour drive away. We were so extremely fortunate to have the opportunity to visit with her... and my heart swelled with pride when my children made her smile.

I don't know how people are able to be so beautiful in spirit and calm when they are facing the end. For the second time in 4 months we have lost a beautiful lady to cancer. And for the second time I am struck breathless by their courage and ability to give us the gift of calmness and acceptance. To watch them fight so valiantly, and watch helplessly as cancer ravages their body.. to want more than anything to make them better and make them stop hurting, only to see it get worse and worse.. To see them so full of life and fighting spirit, only to watch as that becomes somehow transformed to gentle acceptance. And finally... to the point when the end becomes a blessed release from the pain, and an opportunity for rest.

I'm not going to get into their personal stories... both ladies were at very different points in their lives, both died much much too soon. Both were Mothers, Wives, Sisters and Friends.

What strikes me is the selfless beauty within them. I don't know if it is a conscious decision one makes when dying.. to leave behind the gift of courage. To leave us with a sense of hope and a glimpse of what may be coming in our next journey. I feel Louise with me, right now as I write. I see her smile, I hear her whisper in a raspy voice, "Je t'aime" and my weak-voiced and shaky "Je t'aime aussi" while fighting back the tears. I see her joy when we came into the room, and my son giving her a cuddle and the look on her face.

Perhaps what stays with me the most... is fiercely wanting to be that woman. At the end of my life, I want to be surrounded with friends and family. I want to have lived in a way that will leave my loved ones with so many beautiful memories they couldn't possibly pick a favorite one. I want to have no regrets, and to have a faith strong enough to be able to be ready for what is to come.

Merci Louise, for all your love over the past 14 years that I've known you.. for your example of courage in the face of the most awful and unfair circumstances in life. Thank you for your gift of reminding us of the beauty in life, the strength of family and of hope of an ultimate reunion someday. As the last words you said to me.. "On ne dit pas au revior.. on dit 'a la prochaine'." We will not say Goodbye, we will say "until the next time".

xo